


Camouflage sous les délits

by SUNNYONG



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst, Cheating, Fluff, Innuendo, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Murder, POV First Person, Partner Betrayal, Requited Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:08:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22481557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SUNNYONG/pseuds/SUNNYONG
Summary: “There is no man with crimes that are unforgivable.” But I, Li Yongqin and the most loyal subject to the Great Emperor Qian Kun, would disagree with that. For I have witnessed a man with crimes that are unpardonable and reprehensible. I have witnessed the story of a man who hid himself under his crimes— behind his magnificent beauty.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Qian Kun
Kudos: 4





	Camouflage sous les délits

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this fic is a little close to me because I actually really like what I thought of, but as usual— couldn't write it. So, here's a failed version of whatever I thought would make sense and give justice to what I thought of. A little warning I'd like to give is that I do not condone cheating on your partners, that's a dick move and no one likes it. But what Sicheng does, though is not justifiable, is somewhat relevant to the plot (I think, lmao) so yeah.
> 
> But, uhm, enjoy this?
> 
> (EDIT ; Yes, I did repost this but I just decided to integrate both the chapters and present it as one! Also, /English is not my first language and my tenses suck/, plus this not beta read so forgive me. I don't usually give song recommendations but all I want to say is that I wrote this while listening to Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Rey so do whatever you want to do with that information.
> 
> I also half-assed the last section because what the fuck, I just couldn't do it. So, apologies for that as well. )

I always considered myself as a man of nobility, class and sublime conduct. I had everything in me, already embedded, that a man could ask for and I take great pride in that. Though, I do not show off what was generously gifted to me by God, because showing off is for the insecure. I have the talent to create perfection in everything I did, and my name would be considered synonymous to _perfectionist_. That’s why I was ought to advise the Royal Emperor in his daily or political matters, whatever he wished to ask for. I soon had convinced myself that speaking or committing an action that wishes ill for the Emperor is purely blasphemous. Even intending to do so was the same, and I disliked it greatly.

Everything the Emperor requested for, I presented forward without a second of hesitation that His Highness could question. Whatever the Emperor would teach me, that would be correct. Even if the most educated scholar would argue with that, I would abide by what my Emperor taught me because his word is extreme and true. The Emperor taught me something I can never, even if I willed to do so, forget or erase from my memory. _There is no man with crimes that are unforgivable_. I never dared to prove him incorrect, because there would just be no way to do so because the Emperor is always right.

But I, Li Yongqin and the most loyal subject to the Great Emperor Qian Kun, would disagree with that now. For I have witnessed a man with crimes that are unpardonable and reprehensible. I have witnessed the story of a man who hid himself under his crimes— behind his magnificent beauty.

The day was pleasant and the courtiers were preoccupied in solving the daily issues handed to them and so was I. My pristine armchair was placed the closest in distance of the Great Emperor of Fujian, I was honored to accept the command and did it because of the Emperor’s continuous requests. “Great Advisor Li, it had slipped out of my mind to inform you about the arrival of the present from the gifted lands of Wenzhou. The King will plausibly send along with the present a sweet marriage proposal for his young and beautiful daughter, whom I do not want to wed.”

The Emperor leaned against the side of his throne that was the closest to my armchair, his long eyelashes successfully managing to envelop the strain that was prominent in the Emperor’s amber eyes. The Emperor looked agitated and my responsibility was dawned upon me, so I first softly smiled at the Emperor. “My Emperor, your word is law and whatever you say prevails. No one has the right to differ when your opinion is announced because you are the beginning and end.”

“If you do not accept his proposal, My Emperor, then accept his present and enjoy the fruits of it. The King of Wenzhou isn’t the one to wilt when rejected; and finds great pleasure when his recipients marvel his followed presents.” I paused to observe the Emperor, who I found listening intently to me and I smiled once again. “Advisor Li, you’re blessed with such a sense of comfort and I hope you have someone in your life to remind you about this very fact every dawn and dusk.”

I look down in shame for I had no one to call a lover and the Emperor expected me to have one, but I felt at ease when I heard the Emperor gently chuckle. 

“Do not fret, Li. We both are the lost causes of the Lord above but I am very certain that one morning, the winds will blow through our crops.” We share a brief moment of laughter but are interrupted by the announcement of the present of Wenzhou arriving and the court of Fujian was hastily organized to mimic the actual decorum of the royal court. What did we expect? A carriage of gold and silver, items adorned in bright jewels and such so. But you could say that we all were left stunned when in just strutted a mere human with a forest green robe that covered his dignity but highlighted his beauty. We could now see why he was called the Present.

He had luscious, blonde and soft locks that framed the top of his head and it _almost_ looked more elegant in comparison to the Emperor’s crown. The Present had a pale skin tone, contrary to mine and the Highness’ slightly darker tones, but not too pale to be called one of the ghosts. The Present’s lips were as if God had taken upon the responsibility to make the Present’s pair the best out of all, perfectly plump and rosy like the roses the Emperor was so fond of. The Present was tall and lean, but the presence of muscle couldn’t be speculated because of the airy and loose clothing garment he wore.

“Speak.” The Emperor ordered to dissolve the confusion that arose, and the Present smiled at the Emperor and bowed shortly later, the smile the Present owned made me feel a sort of alienated emotion. “I’ve been sent to the lands of Fujian to serve the Emperor, the Greatest indeed,” the Present looks directly at the Emperor, which urges me to rise and unsheathe my sword but I don’t do so. No one dares to glance up at the Emperor that way, and this man was going against the law but the Emperor remained mum about it.

“Name yourself, Present.” The Emperor’s voice boomed throughout the court and my eyes were drawn back to the present, there was something lingering about his behavior. And I was starting to grow fond of it. “My mother named me Dong Sicheng, my King.” The present bows once again and the grace in his movements leaves me in awe, I look back at the Emperor and frowned slightly when I saw a smile gracing his lips. “Minister Huang, prepare a chamber for Sicheng.”

  
  
And that was Dong Sicheng’s first crime, walking into the court and subsequently stealing the hearts of two men.

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The Present was ordered to stay at his prepared chamber and all the courtiers were asked to never converse with him, unless the Present initiates the conversation. I was wary of the Emperor’s orders, and was oblivious to his actions. And that’s why it greatly surprised me when I caught the Emperor strolling out in the gardens with the Present, all smiles and giggles. I quickly conceal my presence and hide myself behind a pillar guarding the gardens, the sun was dipping and the winds were blowing and I stood there in pure bewilderment. My eyes followed the couple, but my eyes only remained on the Present. 

Though the illumination wasn’t satisfactory, the sunshine that still shone on the Present’s face made him more… _tempting_. He had adorned himself in a violet robe, similar to the lavenders the gardens grew the most. My eyes couldn’t leave the Present’s body, he was just so perfect and lovely to admire. A feeling in my heart soon started to blossom, and my stomach was churning. I failed to understand why, but what I had noticed was that this occurred only when the Present smiled. It brought me joy when the Present’s eyes would sparkle upon the sight of the lavenders, and how boisterous his laugh was when the Emperor would throw at him petals of the neighboring flowers.

I soon found myself smiling along and my heart was fluttering, I felt on top of the world when I’d see the Present just smile. I couldn’t hear what they were conversing about but I know it made the Present smile, so I hoped it would continue forever. It did not hold any significance that I was not the reason behind the Present’s smile, it was odd that I thought so but I couldn't help but feel so that way.

And that was Dong Sicheng’s second crime, abusing my heart with a grin warmer than the summer winds and prettier than the spring flowers.

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As per the Royal Order, I refused to converse with the Present and kept my distance from the man. But the distance would always keep decreasing because of my occupation to the Emperor and the Emperor’s fondness towards the Present. So, I would see him often than desired. I would not glance at the Present at all, but he still managed to look elegant through my peripheral vision. It was difficult not to smile when the Present would smile along with the Emperor, but my endurance grew stronger every time I looked at him. I soon got used to those secretive smirks meant for me, but not once did I return them in the fear of upsetting the Emperor.

“Li, do you not enjoy the Present? Has he upset you in anyway? I will speak to—”

“My Dearest Emperor, you speak about the Present as if he is an object.” I make sure to sound amused because dare I upset the Emperor, and I succeed as the Emperor chuckles briefly. “Oh, have I upset _you_? Do you perhaps harbor feelings for Sicheng?” My cheeks redden in shame and I look down to the floor, and hold back a smile. The Emperor laughs once more, and turns to look at me. “I do not, My Emperor.” I felt guilt bubble in me as I spew out absolute lies but I am aware about the Emperor’s feelings towards the Present.

“That’s wonderful, because perhaps I have fallen for the beauty.” 

My heart wilts when the Emperor confesses, though I knew about the confession but hearing it myself was rather, huh— _heartbreaking_ . And for the next three hours, in the Emperor’s chamber, I had endured, yet again, another painful session of the Emperor admiring the Present. Every syllable that escaped the Emperor’s lips, I had this urge to wail and yell at the Emperor to not like the Present. Because I knew that the Present would never accept my confession under no circumstance. And the truth was slowly starting to sink in and the aftertaste was _terrible_.

“You should converse with him sometime, his talks entertain me.” The Emperor casually adds in and the tears would’ve almost escaped if I wouldn’t have looked away at that instant. I was in no position to reply, so I didn’t and the Emperor never minded and his words flowed smoothly. “I assume that he harbors the same feelings, Li. We kissed the day before and,” The Emperor looks down and his words are cut off, and I let a lonely tear escape. “And, I asked his hand in marriage.” Another tear, and I realized that I that what I felt for the Present was not normal. “And he accepted my proposal, Li!”

And I got up, facing opposite the Emperor and towards the door that I entered from. “Please excuse me, Majesty. I have suddenly remembered important business to complete, I apologize for my absence and hope you’ll excuse me.” I do not wait for the Emperor to respond and continue to walk away from the Emperor.

The fresh tears occupy my dry eyes and I fail to turn around to bow, and I remain ashamed. Darn you, Present, for letting me walk away from the Emperor as if he was a close companion, for letting me leave his chambers without his permission. And, my love, that would be accounted as your third crime.

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And so it was announced. The coming together of two souls, the merging of two lives together in one month’s time. I had to survive another thirty days and I held the belief that I will get over it soon. But it was going to take some time because every night, I would think about the silver band on their ring fingers and would sleep with a heavy heart. The Present was pampered and drowned in gifts and love, but I knew that I had to maintain the distance between us. For the sake of my wilting heart, I had to. But it was so difficult not to smile when the Present would lighten up the tough atmosphere of the court with his witty jokes.

I knew those laughs would bring me immense pain later on, so I pretended to be distant and lost. I had no one in my life who would notice my irrational behavior so I went on, and continued to do so till one day. The Emperor was not present in the Palace and the Present was given the freedom to familiarize himself with his surroundings, and I happened to be a part of this surrounding. It wouldn’t have affected me much if I was asked questions in public, I could’ve successfully masked these uncalled feelings but the Present was cunning, I assume.

He cornered me, in a way, and I was in a daze when approached. I was in the Royal gardens, the gardens that grew yellow tulips and was reminiscent of my childhood and past when I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around just to cause a wrench in my heart, but I put up a unfazed exterior. “Your Highness,” I bow courtly and carry myself up again, looking at the very man who stole my heart. He was adorned in a yellow robe, which went elegant with his colored golden strands of hair. The Present resembled the bright sun as he camouflaged under the yellow tulips, perfectly concealing his non-existent imperfections. “Advisor Yongqin?” Ah, never had I thought my name would sound so melodious.

“Yes, your Highness?” I look up into the Present’s eyes to find a glint of admiration, which was washed away by an unknown emotion.

“Nothing, actually. I, uh, just was wandering around and happened to meet with your presence.” I nodded and expectantly looked at the Present, who was avoiding eye contact with me and appeared rather anxious. “Mind if I walk beside you?” I smiled in agreement at the Present, who suddenly looked brighter than before and we walked in silence for a few moments. “Advisor Yongqin, you’ve never spoken to me.” The Present comments and I simply nod to agree. “You’ve gotten that right, Majesty.” I didn’t defend myself for I lacked statements of defense. “Why so? Have I harmed your sentiments?”

_You harm my entire soul by just smiling, my love. Your mere existence brings upon me such harsh pain but along with that, a wave of happiness washes over me. My love, you’re not aware of what just your smile is capable of._

“Never, Majesty. Never has been there such a moment that you’ve upset me, I’d even feel ashamed that you thought so. And I sincerely apologize for it,” I stop to bow but the Present’s hand wrapped itself around my arm, pulling me up. The sparks that ignited the same feeling of love increased upon touch, but I was greatly depressed when the Present quickly retracted his hand. I looked up into the Present’s eyes to search for any meaning, any intention to have physical contact and I took a step back when I found his gaze wet in desire. I did not comprehend the meaning, but took precaution before we could engage in any inappropriate actions.

“Oh, I apologize for holding you without your consent.” The Present bows but I did not respond and just turned to the front, and continued my walk. The Present followed my trail and soon caught up, and another blanket of silence was draped over the two of us.

“Your beauty, Advisor Li, is unparalleled. I’m honored to look at your face, Advisor.” I do not dare turn to the Present’s direction or utter a word, I silently let my caged heart throb against my ribs. “How do you so effortlessly manage to be so gentle?” I pray that my cheeks lose the ability to redden. “Your Highness, have you decided on the theme color of the Royal Wedding? If not, then I may be some use of you as I hold limited knowledge in art.” I change the subject of discussion in hopes of lessening the tension. “Oh, I haven’t decided yet. Suggestions?”

I do not look at the Present and limit my gaze to the sights beside me, and give the color situation a brief thought. “I apologize if you are not interested in the color but a thought of the color unbleached silk gave me satisfaction.” I merely suggest with no other intention, as I am aware that the Present tends to be a bit picky with the presented options. “Perfect. I am impressed by your choice, Advisor Li.” I was astounded at how quick the Present formulated his decision, I was in the impression that he would take his time to consult his Highness but I was incorrect. I give the Present a small grin and continued walking, trying to avoid his strong stare on me. “Are you afraid of me?”

I paused, halting for a second to make up a satisfactory and legitimate excuse to justify my hesitance in interaction. And with a rather false smile on my lips, I try to maintain eye contact with the deity in front of me. I parted my lips to respond but I was speechless at the sight of the Present, suddenly intimidated by his great beauty. But the Present was expectant, waiting for my answer that I forgot. “I— I’m actually—” I looked down at the path, I wasn’t able to answer and it angered me greatly. I was stuttering and I was certain that I had upset him till. Till I felt him walking closer to me and I braced myself for the insults that were bound to come for me. But instead of insults, I felt a hand pulling my chin up gently and there was the Present, looking into my eyes with his eyes soft. The distance between us was enough to evoke doubts in the minds of the bystanders but I was too intoxicated by the presence of the Present to acknowledge the danger.

I prayed that my eyes won’t exhibit the immense love I had for the angel in front of me, and hoped that my eyes wouldn’t give away what I planned to conceal for the rest of my life. But I allowed the Present to scrutinize me, allowed him to inspect every curve of my face. As his eyes scanned my face, I remained mum and did nothing about it. Because I was given the favor to do the same, but my eyes wouldn’t move anywhere from the Present’s lips. They were tinted with a roseful tint, and I didn’t bother to further describe it to myself. I just wanted to press my lips to his, but alas, some wishes remain wishes. 

The Present was larger in size; so he towered over me and hid me away from the sun’s harsh rays. It was summertime, which explained the sunshine and rising temperature. But I was certain that I was not perspiring because of the scorching heart, because the Present’s hand slides from my chin to my jaw— and he brings his other hand to cup my face. I, once again, do not protest against the action and continue to maintain our intense eye contact. This feeling, oh, it’s so foreign to me— but the heat that rises in me when I see the Present’s eyes sparkling. And the distance between us is almost ceasing, and I couldn’t help but enjoy it. “You’re really, really glamorous, Advisor Li.” His voice sounded airy and soft, and I could feel his breath. 

“I could say the same, your Highness.” 

The Present took another small step forward, our noses brushing and breaths mingling. The intimacy of the moment was indescribable, it was too overwhelming, to say the least. I tried to catch a hold of emotions hidden in the Present’s eyes, and the way he concealed them all with such ease. I was merely impressed, but agitated as well because I wasn’t able to understand the Present’s intention. The silence between us was comfortable, and did not host any sort of false emotions. It felt raw and I was aching for more, I didn’t want to continue this weak game of staring. I wanted to indulge in _more_ , and more. I was aware that this was a crime, but it seemed like the best resort. So, I walked down the path of treachery and pressed my lips against the Present’s.

And that was your fourth crime, my love. Allowing me to commit treachery, and pleasuring me all at once.

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Our acts continued to frequently occur, but behind closed doors of his chamber or mine. The guilt was overwhelming but his lips on my body subsequently washed away those illicit thoughts, and I continued to drown into the liquid of lust. Every night spent in my chamber will never be forgotten, how his bare body slept beside me as I kissed him to sleep.

But my confession remained mine, and I never let it slip from my lips, even when we both would engage in our desires. Because I knew, I knew that this pact was temporary and that I would have to let him go once he was wed to the Emperor. I knew I had to let him go to the arms of the Emperor once the week was renewed, and the sixth day of the next seven days would arrive. It was difficult to balance the truth and my love for him, for I never wanted to let go of the only thing I was enamored by.

Unless the wedding never takes place, then I wouldn’t have to let him go. That’s the only answer to my worry, and I wasn’t ready to believe that the answer was so simple. But another query arose, how was I going to prevent the wedding from taking place? And the newly formed treacherous side of me replied instantly, without a second of hesitation.

_Assassinate the Emperor._

I fell onto the floor of my chamber as graphic images of how to do so flooded my mind, and tears blurred my vision and evil took over my conscience. I was the most loyal subject to ever step foot in this great empire. _That’s why it’s easier, no one will dare to suspect Li Yongqin._ And I was ashamed of myself, ashamed that I had entangled myself into this web of evil. I was in utter shambles and I secluded myself, refusing to attend court meetings with the excuse of illness. 

How will I be able to converse with the Emperor when I’ve had thoughts about assassinating him? When I’ve had illicit relations with the man he is going to marry? But my stress and thoughts subsided, when the Present walks into my chamber with a heart full of concern and that night, I weep into his white robe that matched my quilts. And he never dared to refuse my cries for comfort, and hid me in his embrace and away from my conscience.

“Yongqin, my dear, do not weep for I will be by your side forever. For you have captured my heart and have made it yours to love,” My heart beats faster than usual but I remained mum and never responded, just pressed my lips to his and spent the entire night with him as he kissed away my tears away. And I experience the feeling of being secure for the first time ever, in his arms. The entire duration of the night he muttered phrases of comfort and love, and I guessed his intention was to calm me down. So, I calmed down and paused, looking into his eyes with whatever emotion of admiration.

“You had told me something earlier,” I say and wrap my arms around his dainty waist, pressing my head down to his chest and marveled his existence. He gently strokes my hair, his fingers carding through my hair as he hums. “I had told you several things, dear.” I exhale and take a deep breath, not wanting to reconfirm his feelings for me in the fear of him changing his mind. But measures had to be taken for my wilting heart, or else I would have to be careful while walking for pieces of my broken heart scattered around me would pierce through my skin.

“You told me about how you,”

I really did not want to engage in this conversation, I did not want him to reconsider his thoughts. Even if the Present lied about his feelings for me, I wanted to keep believing that the fingers that massage my scalp and the lips that grace my body will forever be mine. “About how you held, romantic feelings for me.” I whispered into his clothed chest before planting a chaste kiss onto to his exposed collarbones, and calmly waiting for the answer to my question. 

The silence that filled the atmosphere of my chamber, it was comfortable to an extent and it allowed me to clear up insecurities that were clogged up in my mind. “Would you believe me if I would tell you that you matter the most to me? That you’re the only one I want beside me forever?” I was almost certain that I had resumed my weeping, drenching the white satin of his robe in my tears. Was I being lied to? Was I going to be hurt in the future?

Questions were plenty but our time was less, so I did what I thought was the wisest option out of all of the given ones. I looked up at him with my eyes sparkling and his warm and homely, and climbed up his body just to press our lips together. Just to express the love I had for you. 

And that was your fifth crime, for convincing me that you were in love with me. And I, like a love-struck fool, trusted your deceptive words.

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The wedding ceremony was here and the palace was adorned and decorated with shades of red and unbleached silk, but the Present was covered in red, from top to bottom. “Advisor Li, are you not happy about the wedding? Is there something that you find unimpressive?” The Emperor approached me with a question I had many answers to that will forever remain unanswered, and his approach did make sense for I hopelessly gazed at the Present, who interacted with the guests with utmost happiness and joy. I looked at the Emperor, who was also wearing his attire and looked marvelous and seemed just like how he was supposed to be— _royalty_. Though I was being pushed down by the voices in my head telling me that the Emperor would be much better of a spouse than I could ever, I embraced the Emperor in a welcoming hug.

“Congratulations, your Highness. For your marriage,” I congratulate him with a heart heavier than the lofty sails of the royal ships, not forgetting to slip in a kind smile to complete my act. The Emperor was oblivious to my unhappiness, and I’m grateful for that— I did not want him to be upset on his special day. “The Present looks wonderful too, you’re a lucky Emperor.” I lighten the mood, well not my mood— but the general ambiance of the heavy conversation we were having.

“That I am, Yongqin. Very lucky,” The Emperor turned slightly, just to bask in the sight of the Present, who resembled the sun with his red attire and golden hair loosely thrown around to resemble a crown.

The Emperor’s grin at the sight of his husband made me nauseous, he suffered the same disease of love that I do too.I do not blame him for falling in love with the Present, because the love of my life is as prestigious as I describe him to be. He is the gust of cold wind travelers under the hot sun find relief in, he is the alluring escape to heaven most sinners long for. Though he is not in my arms, I am certain that he will forever reside in my heart.

“Yongqin, I will take my leave now. Please allow me to,” The Emperor bows gently, and I imitate the greeting and he takes his leave. Leaving me all alone to myself, and I swiftly make my move towards the secluded corner of the ballroom. Was it the fine wine of the East or was it that darned smile of the Present that drowned me in the pool of intoxication, it remains unanswered. But I do not mind not getting an answer as long as I get to marvel at the sculpture of God, as long as I get to touch the blank canvas of a body he has and paint it colors from my palette.

I do not know if it was the wine or the reappearance of my iniquitous side but watching the Emperor make his way to the Present, joining him in the conversation he was having with other nobles of the kingdom did not sit right with me. Something about it, it was overwhelming, too inordinate for me to digest. Intentions that are meant to be suppressed rise from their graves and make their way to my conscience, and I am very close to completely letting go of my sanity. When I was fantasizing about situations far from reality, I knew it was the wine speaking but I enjoyed the fantasies.

I enjoyed the feeling of evil dripping off me, loved how treachery slid down my body. When the Emperor slid his arm around the Present’s waist, I knew I had to leave before the wine started acting up. I had not completely loosen control of myself till then, so I had to take precautions. I looked away; the sight was unbearable. My gaze fell upon the table adjacent to where I was situated, glasses of liquor set for display but was a tantalizing offer. So, I do as I told myself and go pick a glass from the table, bringing it up to my lips as I turn towards the dreaded sight of the newly wedded.

“Absurd, seventeenth.” I count, figures were incorrect but estimatedly, they were close to the number of glasses I had consumed without hesitation. My alcohol tolerance was complimented by a lot; word goes around that alcohol has no effect on Advisor Li. Which it doesn’t, because it is not the alcohol that I relish, it is the emotion rather. The intoxicant isn’t the alcohol but the feeling of sadness, that is the best type of intoxication.

So, I continue to consume the alcohol presented before me and I could feel my mind commanding me to halt, to think about the detriments of the action. But rationality was left in the chambers and just a deep void of nothing but despondency. I could not bring myself to turn around and look at the love of my life, it seemed like an act of immense bravery. And I was, at the end of the day, a mere coward.

The noise seemed to be suppressed by my mind and I continue to live in loneliness, everyone had forgotten the Great Advisor but I did not mind. For I did not feel great, for I have committed sins that are too blasphemous to be acknowledged. And I pondered upon the thought— was all this pain worth?

I could have it all, from expensive robes to extravagant paintings, from magnificent castles to beautiful lovers. And I choose to run after a Present that was never meant for me. I choose to love behind the tall curtains and closed chambers. But the pleasure this forbidden love gave me, almost made up for the guilt that was eating me up.

“Yongqin, love?” I hear a squeak behind me and my heart softens, my grip around the glass of liquor tightens and I feel suffocating. I do not respond, do not look behind because I know I will start to cry. I know I will lose it at the sight of the groom, the ever-so beautiful Present. “Love? Are you okay? You’ve been sitting here for too long, dear.” A tap follows this time but I still do not respond. Tears shine as I bring myself to look up, and it feels too suffocating. 

_He noticed your misery, Yongqin. He noticed you sitting so lone and has come to give company, he loves you_.

It was too suffocating for me and I could feel myself disintegrate, the unforeseen happening of this was too much for me. “Yongqin—” I stand up from my seat and without glancing at the guest, I walk away from the crowd and to the empty gardens. I start running at a point in worry, in worry that my emotions will catch up and overwhelm me once again. The gardens pass by me so quick, but I continue to run from the haunting reality. “Yongqin! Why are you running away?” I halt all of a sudden, squeeze my eyes shut to block out these _voices_. “Yongqin, you are worrying me a lot. Are you alright?” The voice reverberates and I hear it clearly, the empty and dark hallways helping me to do so. I hear footsteps behind me and I want to, once again, run but something has me glued to the floor. I want to run away yet I fail to run, and my knees go weak.

“Love?” The voice is clearer and sounds too close and I let out a tear, collapsing onto my knees as I give up. “Yongqin!” I do not hear what is after that because I feel numb, my body seemed paralyzed and I could not form coherent thoughts. My eyes remain shut and I could feel my insides twist as a pair of arms wrap around my waist, pulling me to someone’s chest. My senses refuse to work and I start to shut down, indulging into this temporary comfort I was receiving.

A hand cups my jaw, and the other caresses my cheek tenderly, wiping away my tears gently. “Love, I am here so do not cry these tears of unhappiness.” I hear a voice softly tell me and I start to fall into this void of darkness, slowly losing all my cognitive senses. I am pulled into a tight embrace, feverish kisses placed on my head and I break. The Great Advisor of the Fujian Empire breaks into innumerable pieces of despair— a broken soul accompanied by a broken heart.

And that was your sixth mistake, love. Breaking the strongest figure in the entire universe to such a point that death seemed like a gift.

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It has been seven days since I last casted my gaze upon him, held him or touched him. Just seven days and I’m losing my mind, like I was addicted to him. According to the servants, neither had the Emperor stepped out of his chamber so I assumed that they newly wed were busy with their activities. It was not supposed to inflict such immense pain upon me, yet I was breaking apart each day without him beside me. It was an agonizing pain, waking up everyday alone and continuing my daily duties. But I had to continue this way for the rest of my life, right? I was not given the chance to thank him, for plausibly saving my life on the wedding day.

The Royal Physician was rather displeased when he found out that I was under the influence of alcohol and informed me, later, that I could have suffered poisoning too if I was not brought to him instantly. I pretended as if I had no idea as to who brought me to the physician, and I was told that it was indeed the Present himself, or as his title now, his Majesty. But I lived like that for a few sunsets, and today— I found myself roaming around the castle at midnight, when everyone else was in deep slumber. I was getting little to no sleep, so I decided to lull myself to sleep with the help of the therapeutic winds that graced our kingdom. And so, I paced around the gardens first. But to my unfortunate self, there were no winds that reached so low.

So, I traveled a few floors above the ground, in search of the fresh air to send me to sleep. And soon, I found myself on the floor where my own and the Emperor’s chamber were situated. The curtained entrance of the Emperor’s chamber allured me but I had to keep a tight check on my wishes. I was no longer the immature Yongqin I was the day before. I move towards the balcony of the floor and look out into the vast sky. The moon shone brightly and so did the stars that accompanied the moon in the sky, and the gentle winds were shortening my stay. 

It was serene; just something I wanted for the past few days and so desperately wanted. The red robe tied around me fluttered as the winds gently brushed past me. I thought— just thought about everything. All the current events that either graced or cursed my life. But in which category did falling in love with the Present fall under? I surely did not regret a moment of the time we spent together, cherished each and every second. But was it all worth it, was the pain worth it? Was my love worth it? These unintelligible queries that echoed, it pierced right through my heart. The answers I demanded from myself, surely, the Great Advisor had fallen apart.

I look up at the moon and softly smile, how bright was I just a few months ago like the moon? And over the course, day by day, I lost my shine to brighten up the only star I’ve wanted in my life. I was exhausted, just wanted everything to come to an end. So that I may rest myself, maybe all alone again. I thought whether the Present’s words were true or not, when he would tell me that he loved me too. It seemed so genuine and the sparkle in his eyes established that fact, but a part of me still argues against it. It was too wonderful to be real; to be loved back. And considering the possibility of us never engaging in what we had in the past, maybe it was true.

_A muffled scream._

I turned around in fear, as someone let out another excruciating but muffled scream and I looked around to locate the possibly bruised human being. Fear bubbled up in my veins as I finally comprehend the situation, and locate the scream. I sprint in the direction of the Emperor’s chamber, my heart beating at an accelerating speed— mind first calling out for the Present. I reach the curtained entrance and hastily move away the curtain, my heart almost giving up at the sight and my brain refusing to coherently function. I was dumbfounded, and my head felt lighter than the feathers of the birds.

I had to call out for the guards, had to stop the already ended assault, had to do something. But my heart silenced me and I just dropped down onto my knees, tears blinding my vision once again as I fell into a dilemma. I was not able to comprehend, I had no sense of instruction nor direction. No capability to protest as I remained mum, and watched.

The Present did not look at me at first, and continued coloring his dagger with bright red as I stayed silent. I could not control myself when the Present stabbed the Emperor the fifth time, his white robes all drenched in the royal blood. Tears streamed down as I saw the Great Emperor limp, his golden robes decorated in stab marks and blood. It was after a few moments when the Present tilted his head a little to look at me, a lunatic smile on his angelic face and I wanted that dagger through my chest too. The Present looks down at the deceased Emperor once more for confirmation and climbs down from his chest, wiping the blood dripping from the knife onto the sheets of their bed.

My body was paralyzed and I was not able to think once again, but my hysteric sobs and high blood pressure increased. The Present had his eyes on me, his smile remained the same as he approached me with his dagger. I look down to the floor, my tears choking me and my esophagus feeling constricted. I did not know what I just witnessed, did not want to accept what I had just seen. Too many thoughts at once physically hurt me and I refused to live in reality and the only escape was shutting my eyes and praying that this was just a dream. A twisted and dark dream that no one deserved to see, not even my worst enemies.

The man I took an oath to protect, the man I swore on my life to serve for the entirety of my life— _dead_ , murdered right in front of my two eyes. The Emperor of Fujian was brutally murdered in front of me and I was not calling out for help, I did not call out for the guards. I could get the Present a death sentence yet I remained silent. Sobs turned into wails but I did not get up, remaining on my knees as I prayed. About what and for whom, only the one above the skies knew.

“Yongqin, my love? Don’t be scared,” I flinch as the Present crouches to my level, lifting my chin up with his finger— forcing me to look at him.

I do not open my eyes, a shiver runs down my spine as I feel a blade against my throat.

“You know that you were not supposed to have witnessed this, right?” The blade was pushed a little further into my neck, but I muffle my cries.

“You know that I can kill you here, right?” I wanted to speak up and tell him to go ahead with his plan, but my aching heart and reflexes advised against it. I feel a trail of blood run down my chest, and I dare to open my eyes, tears clouding the chance they get. The Present sat in front of me, his eyes were not sparkling no longer and hosted a dark and evil glint. The cocky smile rested upon his lips so well, and I cursed myself for thinking so. My eyes trail down to his clothing, all covered in the blood of the deceased Emperor and it almost seemed like he wore red robes, similar to mine. 

A tear rolls down my cheek as I glance at the dagger in his knife, drenched in fresh blood. I feel the Present’s gaze soften a little, but as soon as I looked back at him, it hardened. “You’re so pretty, Yongqin. Have I told you that?” The blade was retracted and my neck was excused from the assault I was about to receive. I continue to weep, but I never looked away from that face of his. 

“You love me a lot, right? So much love for me,” I freeze on the spot as I feel him wrap his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him and I regrettably feel myself melt in his touch. The fatigue in me told me to close my eyes but I refused to do so, was too bewildered.

“My sweet, sweet lover. You know, I was sent here to do this. I terribly, _desperately_ wanted to rule the glorious kingdom of Fujian. And here, I eliminated my biggest obstacle.” These words were evil and wicked yet sounded like the beautiful music of Pied Piper, as I was just naturally enthralled by it.

I feel him wipe the remaining blood of the Emperor onto my back, and I realize his intentions— his sweet and innocent intentions. “You’ll pretend to be me, right? You’ll be me, I’m sure.” I loathed him at that moment, because I was sure to comply with whatever he would tell me to do. Loathed how he had absolute control over me, without actually doing much.

He pulls back, as if he feels what my answer was, with the smile I fell in love with. With the smile that felt like the real him, his sweet yet bitter smile I should not have fallen for. “Guards! The Great Emperor has fallen and I was threatened by the same! Please, take him away!” The Present throws at me his dagger, which falls in front of me and I slowly wrap my fingers around the handle. “Good Yongqin, love you so much.” And that was when it hit me, like stones and bricks.

I committed a sin, for the first time in my life. And for whom was it, for you, my love. All for you and everything for you.

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And as I lie onto the cold floors of hell, chained up in rigid iron, I think about him again. Would I ever be given the opportunity to look at him? I chuckled at the thought, even during my final moments, I thought about him. He truly had broken every part of me, piece by piece. No thoughts in my head for the man I was meant to serve. The Great Emperor of Fujian was missed, and his husband was crowned the new ruler of Fujian. And I was locked away in these cold dungeons, told to wait for my execution date.

It has been weeks since the tragic event that befell and ever since, I have looked forward to dying. Could not wait to finally escape this hell I was forced to stay in, could not wait to depart from the lover my soul was tied to. I had to leave for my own good, for eternal peace and quiet. And the day arrived and the iron that was chained to me was broken and I was walked to where I was going to be hanged, and I could not have been more happier.

No one respected the Great Advisor anymore and I was not upset about it— the Great Advisor had died ages ago, it was just Li Yongqin left, who was trying desperately to fight for his lost sanity.

And as I walk, I think about what the Emperor told me once. _There is no man with crimes that are unforgivable_. And once again, I would like to disagree with that. For I fell in love with a man who concealed his crimes with a smile, fell in love with a man who camouflaged under his crimes.

**_FIN_.**

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I did something and really thought I was The bitch, lmao. But follow me on [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/sapphireyong) lmao.


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